Psychological Control Drama
(online chat )
J:
So can we continue our talks on control dramas??
U:
Yes ... Drama always involves a build up and climax. Drama me twist hota hai. Control yields to loss of control and vice versa. Manipulation is reverse control. Nagging, ordering, challenging, rebelling, crying, blackmailing..... All control dramas. Avoiding, withdrawing, sulking, disappearing, daydreaming, are parts of the same drama. In fact drama means control, right?
So can we continue our talks on control dramas??
U:
Yes ... Drama always involves a build up and climax. Drama me twist hota hai. Control yields to loss of control and vice versa. Manipulation is reverse control. Nagging, ordering, challenging, rebelling, crying, blackmailing..... All control dramas. Avoiding, withdrawing, sulking, disappearing, daydreaming, are parts of the same drama. In fact drama means control, right?
J:
Googly! What are we trying to control and why?
U:
Reality. To suit our life script and world view. Control is not difficult because we have such willing partners
Googly! What are we trying to control and why?
U:
Reality. To suit our life script and world view. Control is not difficult because we have such willing partners
J:
We are trying to control reality? As kids?
U:
We are trying to control reality? As kids?
U:
As kids we are testing reality and forming an opinion through trial and error.
J:
Let’s say I am four years ....how did I get into my control drama ... if I have to write out a sequel?
Let’s say I am four years ....how did I get into my control drama ... if I have to write out a sequel?
What do I need at four ...what am I trying to figure out at four? What are my challenges? How intelligent is a normal kid at that age? What’s my understanding really like...? Do I have inherent traits that affect me?
U:
At 4 opinions were already set. Starts at birth and mostly done by 4. Most impressionable age. Some editing happens as we grow older... more of polishing and reviewing.
U:
At 4 opinions were already set. Starts at birth and mostly done by 4. Most impressionable age. Some editing happens as we grow older... more of polishing and reviewing.
J:
But I thought parents were very nice to kids at that age
U:
It is not what parents give but what kids receive that matters. Everything is judged with Childs eye.
But I thought parents were very nice to kids at that age
U:
It is not what parents give but what kids receive that matters. Everything is judged with Childs eye.
At age zero, parents are Ishwara. It has total trust and reliance. It is easy for the child to feel let down because parents are human. Infinite gap between expectations and results
J:
What do we expect at that age other than food?
U:
We wonder what we have done to deserve such responses. We try to change our ways in order to get expected responses. We expect hugs, kisses, warmth, comfort, human attention, everything is important....constant attendance of caretakers. Reassuring voices, soothing, happy voices and faces.
What do we expect at that age other than food?
U:
We wonder what we have done to deserve such responses. We try to change our ways in order to get expected responses. We expect hugs, kisses, warmth, comfort, human attention, everything is important....constant attendance of caretakers. Reassuring voices, soothing, happy voices and faces.
I imagine that a child thinks like my pet, in learning about the world around it. The fellow has already developed a personality.... Fellow always wants me to play with him and walk him around. Sulks a lot when ignored. And walks off in a huff and hides himself all day long until he is hungry and has to come out necessarily to feed. Loves attention but never knows when it will come.... Sometimes not for days together. Loves us but gets in our way and trips us. Gets hurt and protests non verbally. Controlling is manipulating others to get our needs met indirectly
J:
What we want by attention 24 by 7, is to feel protected, safe and wanted? So ... When I am unattended I want attention
U:
This is called deficit financing
What we want by attention 24 by 7, is to feel protected, safe and wanted? So ... When I am unattended I want attention
U:
This is called deficit financing
J:
As a baby what did I do when I was unattended?
U:
Wait....call.... Cry....yell.... Protest....withdraw.... Go into a shell.... Refuse to respond.
As a baby what did I do when I was unattended?
U:
Wait....call.... Cry....yell.... Protest....withdraw.... Go into a shell.... Refuse to respond.
Bad attention substitutes for good attention. Or sometimes we settle for self attention. All depends on how much attention we can garner from the world.
J:
You mean we don’t mind being screamed at but want them to be attentive to us
U:
Have you seen children play alone with their toys, play mother and child, teacher and student, talk to itself? That is self attention.... daydreaming, fantasizing. Sometimes we are comfortable only with certain types of attention... Based on what we expect and usually get. Any different kind is looked on with suspicion and rejection. We may discount praise and respect while accepting blame and abuse
You mean we don’t mind being screamed at but want them to be attentive to us
U:
Have you seen children play alone with their toys, play mother and child, teacher and student, talk to itself? That is self attention.... daydreaming, fantasizing. Sometimes we are comfortable only with certain types of attention... Based on what we expect and usually get. Any different kind is looked on with suspicion and rejection. We may discount praise and respect while accepting blame and abuse
J:
But at that age we hear only good things from our elders, isn’t it?
U:
Really? Try these - They seem so familiar:
“Oh what a delicate boy, he is so tiny, he looks like a girl......”
But at that age we hear only good things from our elders, isn’t it?
U:
Really? Try these - They seem so familiar:
“Oh what a delicate boy, he is so tiny, he looks like a girl......”
“Look a tomboy.... Always getting into trouble.... God knows what to do with her”
J:
The child understands all this at age one and two?
U:
Not words maybe, but actions are more powerful. Double messages are filtered - body language reveals what words do not express our attitudes are telegraphed through our voices, gestures, postures and actions
The child understands all this at age one and two?
U:
Not words maybe, but actions are more powerful. Double messages are filtered - body language reveals what words do not express our attitudes are telegraphed through our voices, gestures, postures and actions
J:
So the basic attitude of the parent comes through! And the child senses that
U:
Kid holds on to whatever clue it can to desperately understand the world. An average parent is a frustrated animal, don't you think so? Has to worry about food clothing, shelter, time, responsibility, duty, and loss of privileges. And usually the child is in the way tripping us all the time. Accidental download of anger
So the basic attitude of the parent comes through! And the child senses that
U:
Kid holds on to whatever clue it can to desperately understand the world. An average parent is a frustrated animal, don't you think so? Has to worry about food clothing, shelter, time, responsibility, duty, and loss of privileges. And usually the child is in the way tripping us all the time. Accidental download of anger
J:
So how does the child react to that?
U:
The boss downloads on us, we download on the spouse and kid, and the kid downloads it on the cat.
So how does the child react to that?
U:
The boss downloads on us, we download on the spouse and kid, and the kid downloads it on the cat.
We learn by role modelling, and/or through rebellion or obedience. We cover some parts of our personality while magnifying other parts until we can fit into the family drama. By 4 or 5 we are usually set in our ways and are ready with our life script, with a few polishes and modification necessary to update the drama as we grow. Sometimes we flip roles, from obedient child to angry young man or vice versa - usually during teenage years.
Usually we become more like our parents as we grow up even when we rebel against them. This happens when we have to take on the parental roles with respect to our own kids.
Usually we become more like our parents as we grow up even when we rebel against them. This happens when we have to take on the parental roles with respect to our own kids.
If we are sensitive, we may try to compensate for those behaviours by going to the other extreme. So we are over lenient with kids because our parents were too strict
J:
Do our previous life’s samskaaras interfere?
U:
Tendencies, not personalities. Personality is dynamic, tendencies can be nurtured or wither away. Tendency towards one thing or another is part of the DNA setup.... Perhaps from past life experiences.....?
Do our previous life’s samskaaras interfere?
U:
Tendencies, not personalities. Personality is dynamic, tendencies can be nurtured or wither away. Tendency towards one thing or another is part of the DNA setup.... Perhaps from past life experiences.....?
Like a garden full of seeds. The nature of the soil and nurture will determine how well the seeds grow or wither away. Stop childish ways of manipulations and learn to give and take freely as adults in an appropriate manner. Also awareness and motivation to change can heal a lot of damage from the past and account for change. This is called the reality therapy.... Being open to reality can make us get real in life.
J:
So to sum up......
So to sum up......
We need continuous attention...
When we don’t get it we manipulate to get it...
We are sensitive to the attitudes of our parents and by trial and error choose a particular drama that works well in our family...
After that we continue with that behaviour (unconsciously)
U:
Yes.
Yes.
J:
We pretty much operate from a state similar to being drugged or hypnotised till?
U:
Till we get conscious .till we learn to stop childish ways of manipulations and learn to give and take freely as adults in an appropriate manner.
We pretty much operate from a state similar to being drugged or hypnotised till?
U:
Till we get conscious .till we learn to stop childish ways of manipulations and learn to give and take freely as adults in an appropriate manner.
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